Rebuilding Ties

No one can warn you about the realities of being an adult after a childhood of abuse. With new memories forming, and puzzle pieces constantly being put together, sometimes remembering can leave one feeling almost as bad as when they were younger and facing the abuse. As the formerly abused person goes through adulthood, there are now new triggers that cause new feelings. We grow, we evolve, we change. Sometimes, we even leave.

After generations of abuse and addiction, there’s very few people left on my mother’s side of the family. In fact, there’s myself, my cousin, and my brother–three kids who grew up near each other, but not exactly close. As the three of us reach adulthood though, something new is happening–we are trying to rebuild our family.

At the encouragement of no one, my cousin and I began getting close again around our senior years of college. It’s not easy reconnecting with people who your abuse memories were formed alongside of–even though all of us experienced abuse together, we definitely seemed cautious about reconnecting. The idea of seeing people who could bring past traumas to the surface is fucking terrifying, and even the simple act of returning to certain places can leave one spiraling. We pushed through.

Despite being anxiety-inducing, having a relationship with someone who went through something similar to me has been empowering. I have someone who doesn’t only understand what happened, but can help me piece together memories that have become fuzzy, faded, and warped. It’s a sense of taking back control, and taking ownership over trauma.

There’s also something empowering about having a healthy relationship with someone after generations of toxic familial ties. For the first time in at least three generations, there are two women in our family who genuinely love each other and get along. We get to decide to have a healthy family. And we have never had that option before.

And that? That is power that I’ve never known.